In Memory of Scarlette, A Little Conversation About The Value Of Kindness In The Workplace

Good morning, friends <3

First of all, an apology for not having a Friday edition of my newsletter this week. Those who I am connected with on social media know we had a loss in our family.

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I spoke a bit about Scarlette’s life journey in my Instagram post yesterday, and while the loss is absolutely devastating (and came in what had been a rough week, during a rough month, during a rough year…), I am so appreciated at all the incredible notes and messages I got from people in our community.

One especially touching thing that happened yesterday that I really want to take a moment to pay tribute to is a beautiful gesture yesterday afternoon. Yesterday, my new friend Brittany, who manages communications for Darden (we met IRL for the first time over dinner a few weeks ago when she was visiting NYC, and became instant friends), emailed me to share her own pet loss story and asked if she could send dinner to my family.

I accepted, gratefully, and about an hour later what felt like enough food for a small football team showed up, but it was personally delivered by that Olive Garden location’s management team, and included a beautiful card that the whole team had signed.

It was such a thoughtful thing to do, and something that meant the world to my whole family. We’re so touched, and so appreciative.

Also, I want to send so much love to my good friend Sean-Patrick M. Hillman who dedicated his episode of Pet Lifestyles Magazine’s Daily Paw this week to my dear Scarlette. It was a beautiful gesture and we so appreciated it.

While this was very much a situation of wonderful people with incredible hearts going above and beyond — I thought it presented an opportunity for a good conversation topic for today’s newsletter.

We chat a lot about the transactional nature we sometimes feel in media/PR relations, but when we take the moment to connect on a personal level and relate to people as people rather than potential coverage opportunities, that’s when magic happens.

And, no, it doesn’t mean that it’s necessary to make grand gestures and send food or gifts or cards. It’s more about being a person, and caring, and treating people like you want to be treated — and there’s so many scenarios that we can implement this.

So, today I want to talk a bit about workplace kindness.

I want to focus on something that is always important, under all circumstances, happy or otherwise: Maintaining a positive attitude and goodwill toward those you work with, every step of the way. That’s so incredibly important. In fact, it’s the most important thing of all.

But how can we do that in OUR industry?

Well, glad you asked.

(And I know that this is an industry insights edition, but I’m not putting it behind a paywall. It’s a gift to everyone, for everyone, in honor of my baby Scarlette, and I want everyone to benefit.)

1.     Be welcoming!

Whether you are an agency or a publication welcoming someone new to your team, or you are a journalist at an event or on a press trip or at a dinner where a lot of people seem to know each other and there’s one or two people who seem new and alone, make an effort to reach out and make people feel welcome. Everyone has been the new person once, and everyone has also been the person that doesn’t know anyone (Heck, I’ve been in this industry over 20 years and it still sometimes happens to me!), always make the effort to be friendly and do outreach.

We can do it in small ways, too. For example, I like to ask for the names of people attending a press trip a few days before we go, just so I can follow everyone on Instagram and get to know them and their work a little. It’d be SO nice if we can normalize this so that everyone does this, and no one ever has to be the odd man out, so to speak in those sort of settings.

2.     Be a good listener.

There’s a lot of people who are very good at letting you know what they think and they feel and what their opinion is. That’s great. But it’s equally important to listen. Communication is essential at every step of our work, from pitching and following up, to maintaining a relationship. If someone makes a mistake, by all means, tell them. And if you make a mistake, be receptive to feedback and listen to the concerns being expressed. ALL of us can stand to learn from one another and be better for it. Try to never be accusatory or condescending, but rather, express why something is of concern, and how it could be remedied or avoided in the future.

3.     Let’s normalize saying thank you

It’s not hubris or ego saying this. We all work so hard. And we’re all so busy. Especially now as we get to gift guide season. No one needs giant gestures, but simple thank you’s go a long way. Whether it is a journalist who placed your client you’ve been having a rough time getting traction on, or it’s a publicist who saved your butt at the 11th hour with getting you expert commentary when someone else fell through or flaked, always take the two minutes to say thank you and know the other person’s effort was noticed, recognized, and appreciated. 

4.     Stimulate each other!

This isn’t a sexual thing, I promise.

But I always tell people in consulting sessions – in a sea of dozens of events a week, be the event that stimulates, not the one that bores. That’s not me trying to be insulting or disrespectful to anyone – everyone’s work is valid and important! But we’re all also just human.

We’re going to be more engaged in your event, be it virtual or in-person, if we’re being stimulated. A great way to show someone you value their time and their participation is by having a fun and engaging experience when you are together. Whether that’s everyone learning how to shuck an oyster or make some sushi, or a cool interactive cooking or cocktail class, show people a good time and they’ll keep coming back for more.

5.     Support one another.

Work relationships are like all other relationships. Friendships are nurtured by friends showing up for each other, and being there for those important life moments – and showing interest even when they can’t be.

Well, work relationships are like that too. Everyone can tell when when you are being transactional in your relationships. Don’t just engage when you need or want something. Or when it’s beneficial or convenient to you. Reach out when you don’t need or want anything at all. Ask about their pets, their family, their work. Read their work, follow their social media. It makes me SO excited when someone emails me that they tried one of my recipes, or visited the bar where my signature cocktail is and gave it a try. It’s not just about being supportive (though that matters in all relationships!) but showing interest.

6.     Appreciating the work/life balance

I’m giggling now writing this, because last night I got a pitch after 9 pm. On a Friday night. Of Mother’s Day weekend. Outside of the obvious reality that that story had long ago published and the ship has sailed (or as I texted my good friend last night, that ship had sailed so long ago, it had already returned to port), it’s also not considering the need for work/life balance.

I have no problem getting emails on weekends or at night. I understand the internet never sleeps. But If you send a late night email on a holiday ABOUT that holiday, it’s expecting work to be done in relation to that holiday, on that holiday – which is a holiday.

That was a lot of words.

But you get my point. Show the same respect and consideration to one another that you’d hope for yourself and your own work (and that also brings me back to last week’s discussion about being sensitive and inclusive when planning events.)

7.     Help each other whenever you can.

I feel a little guilty not putting this higher on the list, because we are only as good as the good we put out there.  But collaboration is SO important.

I subscribe to and read (religiously!) the Substack newsletters of about a dozen of my fellow writers. And those I am not lucky enough to see out and about on a regular basis, I’m often engaged in keeping up with their social media and following their travels and reading all their articles. They are important to me and I want them to know it, but also, we all learn from one each other and often lean on each other and always above all respect and appreciate one another.

You’d think in an industry like ours, when we’re all writers doing similar jobs for different publications or you may be publicists working on similar clients for different agencies, that may not be the case. But it’s not – I read all my friend’s work all the time and I want ALL their publications to succeed and do well. And I know they feel the same about me. It’d be horrendous to me to feel otherwise and wish anything other than success on each other. And I know, publicists are the same. 

I loved at the launch party for my Dirty Aly cocktail or my headband/bow collab, seeing all my writer friends, of course, but also so many of my publicist friends – many of whom may work with clients that could potentially be seen as in competition with one another, but connecting, and networking, and supporting one another.

We’re so much stronger when we take the time to build each other up rather than tear each other down.

8.    Being interesting is great. But also be interested!

I know that seems dumb. But it’s not. I see so many people looking checked out or bored on Zooms or at events or dinners. Even when they are doing REALLY spectacular, interesting things. Take the time to smile, and appreciate the moment, and be in the moment, and engage. Everyone will get so much more out of it if you do, including you.

9.     Recognize how badass everyone is.

If someone you work with does something really great or meaningful, take the time to recognize it.

Wish them a happy birthday, comment on the photos of their pets’ birthdays or their new job announcement, or their work achievement. Everyone’s life stories are relevant, and by listening to and recognizing what they are doing and what they are accomplishing, not only will your relationship be stronger, and will they feel good, but your whole workplace will benefit.

10.  Have meaningful conversations.

Really talk to one another. Really get to know one another.  I get some of us aren’t a fan of the after work cocktail meeting with a publicist but do it – you’ll be surprised how amazing it can be.

There’s people who I have seen in my inbox for a decade, who it wasn’t until we shared a martini or a plate of nachos, that I discovered something so cool and interesting about them and built a really incredible friendship in the process.

I’m going to give you an example — about 12 years ago, I was severely ill for the greater part of a year and wasn’t able to get around or get out much. There was a publicist who at the time I knew, but wasn’t very close to yet - who when she was in NYC for a client meeting, took a cab into Brooklyn and spent hours just talking to me over dinner at a small Thai restaurant a block from my home.

We stayed there that night until the restaurant was nearly closing and it was such a special, meaningful moment for me that wasn’t about press or pitching or clients, but people. And friendship. To this day, Jayne is a dear friend and I love her (and I know she’s reading this right now!).

Another example is my dear friend Amanda. Early in the pandemic, I was on a webinar panel, chatting about pivoting of pitching and media/PR relationships during the pandemic. At one point, someone in the audience asked me something I missed about the outside world — I said oysters. I wasn’t eating out at the time and really missed meeting friends for oyster happy hours. Amanda DM’d me shortly after and asked if she could send me some oysters — and overnighted them the very next day. From there, a friendship grew, and post-pandemic, visiting her was one of the first trips I planned. She’s now a cherished friend online and off.

These tips aren’t just about growing your personal relationships, but strengthening your professional relationships. At the end of the day, relationships are relationships.

Maintaining positive relationships and being personally supportive of one another will benefit us ALL, and make all our jobs easier and more successful – but also more enjoyable.  And it’ll be a ripple effect, too. The more kindness we put out there, for each other, and toward each other, the more there will be out there to share with our larger networks. And is there a better way to celebrate one another on this Mother’s Day weekend?

<3